COMPUTERS, as we all know, are wonderful things, but they continue to baffle
readers with the inscrutability of the messages they flash up when something
goes wrong. Hereās a new batch of examples sent in over past weeks.
Some of the messages are simply incomprehensible. While loading Microsoft
Backup for Windows 95, Ian Chisholm received this: āThe Data Path specified,
`C:\TEMP\ā, is invalid. Defaulting to `C:\TEMP\ā.ā Anthony Bullock, on the other
hand, was told āErrorācannot install. Reasonācannot find error,ā
while Sam Holloway got this from Windows 95 Explorer: āErrorāCannot alter
file attributes. ReasonāThe file exists.ā
Other messages disturbingly suggest that our computers have sensitivities
like our own. David Goldenās Amiga appeared to be losing its mindāāSanity
check on memory list has failedāāwhile Bob Burtonās laser printer had just
had enough one Monday morning: ā84 PC Life Exhausted.ā
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Such machines inspire our sympathy. Others, much less so. Peter Onyisi was
cheekily told āWord can not open the document. (Who cares?)ā by his Macintosh,
while Tony Fulford had his worst suspicions confirmed when his Mac flashed up
the message: āNo one is listening to keystrokes at the moment so you might as
well stop typing.ā Meanwhile, Mark Roberts was told by a sulky mail server that
his message could not be delivered because ā207.171.0.250 does not like
°ł±š³¦¾±±č¾±±š²Ō³Ł.ā
Then there are the philosophical computers. Tim Andrews uses a Vulcan
modelling package which often waxes stoical when he hits the āundoā key after
making a mistake: āWhatās done is done,ā it sighs. Similarly, David Brake found
that typing Help on his Lisp machine prompted the reply: āThis file does not
exist and probably never will.ā Brake was hardly reassured later on when his
Butterfly window manager delivered the message: āIām sorry, something just
happened that is supposed to be impossible. Iāll try to muddle through, but
things are most likely to go downhill from here.ā
At least Brakeās computer didnāt start getting demanding, thoughāunlike
Robert Brichenoās PC, which presented him with: āError 3041: Windows would like
a Pentium! The system will become unstable!ā
Such messages almost make you want to return to a simpler, low-tech past. Was
that what Nicolai Pedentchoukās computer was thinking of when it told him
āNetwork error: broken pipe. Try connecting againā? And did Russell Standishās
HPUX 9 have something similar in mind when it told him that an error had
occurred because of ābad magicā?
Then again, what was David Hilton to think when he tried to access a document
on the Internet, only to be told: āError 404ādocument not foundā¦the
document you requested has been vaporised as a result of solar flares reflecting
off the surface of Mars.ā
Vaporised or not, Hiltonās document did once exist, which makes it a lot more
tangible than the files Stephen Roxburgh and Tim Cockerill tried to edit in Word
6. āWord cannot edit the Unknown,ā they were told.
WE ARE through with nominative determinism, but its spirit lives on. William
Corliss has alerted us to a closely allied phenomenon: monogrammatic
determinism.
According to the newsletter Science Frontiers, based in Maryland, a
study of 27 yearsā worth of California death certificates has revealed that a
manās initials influence not so much his choice of work but his longevity.
The research, conducted at the University of San Diego, only looked at men
because their initials do not change with marriage. The study shows that men
with initials like WOW and GOD tend to live more than seven years longer than
those condemned to go through life labelled RAT or DUD.
The newsletter attributes the difference in lifespan to the negative effects
on the ego of being known as PIG rather than ACE.
ONE OF THE cornerstones of Britainās ānew deal for transportā, announced last
month by the Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, is a new Commission for
Integrated Transport, which will āprovide impartial adviceā to the government
and monitor the effectiveness of its policies.
Feedback can only hope that the commission fares better than its
predecessors. Take, for example, the National Transport Advisory Council, which
was set up in 1963. In its four-year life it met five times.
It was replaced by the Freight Integration Council. It met a handful of times
and produced two brief reports, the last, in 1973, being a weighty three pages.
It continued to exist in name alone until 1979, when it was axed in the new
Conservative governmentās cull of quangos.
WHAT IS YOUR favourite topic of conversation over a pint of
beerāGenetic engineering? Polymer science? Occamās razor?
English pubgoers may soon find it hard to talk about anything else. Fifteen
new beer mat designs emblazoned with questions about science will soon be
gracing pubs around the country.
This is but one of the projects funded by the Royal Society and British
Association Millennium Awards Scheme to bring science into the community. Nearly
Ā£1 million is left for future projects.
Feedback wonders what will come next. Fun facts about physics painted on the
walls of local gyms? Geology quizzes on railway station information boards?
Periodic tables handed out with your receipt at the supermarket? We can hardly
wait.
SPOTTED IN A local newspaper by Louise Atfield, this advertisement piqued
Feedbackās interest: āComplete solar system for sale, includes everything
necessary. Only used for 3 months. Perfect for cottage.ā
We wonder how long the warranty lastsā20 billion years?
