JUST how World Cup obsessed are your friends and workmates? What would it be worth to prove to them that, yes, you were there when your national team scored that crucial goal?
Feedback has just received an email from plugging an offer to provide fake documentation of a World Cup trip. For just £99.99 you get ticket stubs, flight and coach details, a “virtual phone number” to field calls and a beer-stained shirt.
Advertisement
Naive as we are, our first thought on receiving this was that fakealibi.com had reversed the normal flow of alibi. That, we assumed, would be to prove to your boss, who has unaccountably failed to understand the life-or-death nature of this sporting fixture, that you were, in fact, dutifully attending an ISO 9000 Quality Assurance Review Day in Swindon, UK – not painting your face in Dortmund, Germany.
But then we lifted our eyes from the bare text and noticed the slightly disturbing signature graphic on the site. It depicts a blonde person, oscillating sinusoidally on what appears to be a hotel bed. That, the site seems to imply, could be the reason why a person might want to pretend they were at the World Cup.
MANY are the pitfalls that await a scientist writing a job or funding application. They include knowing what previous jobs to pass over, divining how much to go on about making links with industry – and choosing the right typeface.
“The Adobe Updater must update itself before it can check for updates, it informs Richard Howland-Bolton. “Would you like to update the Adobe Updater now?”
You might think that all representations of the alphabet are equal. You would be wrong. You must understand, or at least accept, that there are whole professions – designers in particular – who are aroused to passionate fury by certain sets of characters.
For example, there are at least half a million web pages mentioning “Comic Sans” and the word “kill”. John Davies draws our attention to – and its glum prediction, based on exponentially increasing usage, that by the year 2025 103 per cent of all text will be in the odious “wacky” style.
Naughtily, Ban Comic Sans produces stickers bearing a photo of the font’s designer, Vincent Connare – who points out in response that it was designed for use only in, err, comics. In particular, it was commissioned for the ill-fated “Microsoft Bob” office assistant program – like the hated Microsoft paper clip, but even more annoying. Connare insists he dislikes inappropriate uses such as the “English coach line” (unnamed) that uses it “painted on the side in half-metre lettering”.
But…why? Feelings run high when discussing this set of squiggles. A friend of Feedback’s points out that a menu in Comic Sans suggests jelly and custard (that would be Jello with Rich’s Whip Topping, transatlantically). As for the job application, even if you have just gained a PhD as a microbiologist, using Comic Sans would imply that your deepest ambition is to join Toys “R” Us as a signwriter.
LONDON Underground has many faults, as its regular users will be aware. But credit where credit is due: it does on occasion make exceptionally accurate announcements, Noam Weingarten tells us. One morning last week, when Weingarten was getting the Circle Line from King’s Cross St Pancras, the announcer said that “the next train will be at the platform in approximately a few minutes”.
FOR a truly sick-making use of childish typography in rainbow hues – amazingly evocative of the multicoloured crank post that Feedback received in the days before email – go to , where you will also find some wonderful examples of what our lawyers prefer us to call “imaginative” science.
“Now you can WEAR rather than swallow your vitamins, minerals and nutrients,” it proclaims. Yes, two Tri-Vib wrist or ankle bracelets that last five years cost just $225! A snip, since among the dozens of nutritious ingredients are “Super Soy Sprouts – Non Legume”, which must present a challenge to taxonomists everywhere.
Connoisseurs of the odd will also want to check the essay on purple skies and the proprietor’s snaps from South Africa. We simply can’t do them justice in this boring old monochrome type.
IT SEEMS that life for consultants is getting pretty tough – they are now an endangered species. So it would appear, at any rate, from the collection of reports put out by English Nature at . The list of reports spotted by Nic Plum begins: “Protected species advice note: Badgers; Protected species advice note: Bats & newts; Protected species advice note: Consultants…”
FINALLY, one from the department of superfluous warnings: Jack Gilding saw this on the men’s toilet door at Adelaide Airport: “Adelaide Airport Limited uses recycled water for toilet flushing – DO NOT DRINK”.