麻豆传媒

鈥淚 was dating Gordon when I met Heather and Jim. Then I started dating Jim too, and Heather started dating Gordon right before he and I broke up,鈥� says Noemi. Confused? Tonight I鈥檓 having dinner with a group whose unusual lifestyle warrants such introductions. They are a 鈥減olyamorous鈥� family 鈥� one whose members are openly committed to several lovers at the same time.

Their household, in a quiet neighbourhood on the outskirts of San Francisco, looks like any other. A little boy in pyjamas answers the door when I knock, smiling around a large strawberry stuck in his mouth. His mother Heather, an artist with oval glasses and pink hair, is cooking in the kitchen with her boyfriend Gordon, a computer-network engineer with an understated manner. The dining room is pleasant, airy and smells of roasting chicken. Heather鈥檚 husband Jim, along with housemates Noemi and Alicia, are bustling about the table, opening wine, putting out place settings and making sure Heather and Jim鈥檚 son (the strawberry eater) brushes his teeth before going to bed. Noemi, a park ranger who is pregnant with Jim鈥檚 second child, offers me some bread and cheese.

The group鈥檚 network of relationships is fairly typical in polyamorous circles, where it鈥檚 not unusual to hear somebody introduce a 鈥渉usband鈥檚 girlfriend鈥� or 鈥渕y wife and her boyfriends鈥�. Noemi does her best to explain the history of the family, but it sounds like a logic puzzle. 鈥淚f you really want to understand all of our relationships, it might be easier if we drew you a chart,鈥� says Heather (see Diagram). 鈥淚鈥檓 not dating any of them,鈥� says Alicia, a librarian. 鈥淢y boyfriend is poly, so I guess I鈥檓 poly by association.鈥�

鈥淚 feel like I鈥檓 monogamous because I鈥檝e been sleeping with only one person for about five years,鈥� says Noemi. Everybody starts laughing, and finally she admits, 鈥淥K, well I did sleep with some other people too.鈥�

It is hard to estimate how many polyamorists exist 鈥� there is no box for them on any national census 鈥� but the number of online resources, articles and books on the topic has exploded since the early 1990s, when the term polyamory (鈥減oly鈥� for short) was coined in internet newsgroups. The Ethical Slut, a 1997 book by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt that some call the 鈥渂ible of poly鈥�, has sold more than 50,000 copies and is about to go into its second edition. Recently the concept of multiple lovers has become the subject of public debate in the US, where conflicts over gay marriage have led some conservatives to claim that homosexual weddings will lead to marriages of more than two people: if you can have two mothers, they say, why not two mothers and a father?

For psychologists and evolutionary biologists, polyamory is a rare opportunity to see, out in the open, what happens when people stop suppressing their desire for multiple partners and embrace non-monogamy. Proponents say the poly brand of open but committed relationships may be a way around infidelity because it turns an age-old problem into a solution: polyamorists are released from the burdens of traditional marriage vows, yet they seem to keep their long-term relationships intact. What makes poly enticing is the possibility of reconciling long-term stability and romantic variety.

No swinging, please

And why shouldn鈥檛 we consider it? When most people think of non-exclusive marriages, they think of polygamy, an ancient but still widespread practice that involves one person, usually male, acquiring multiple spouses in a harem-like arrangement. Or swinging, in which couples have casual flings on the side. Polyamory is different. It encompasses a dizzying variety of arrangements 鈥� anything from couples with long-term lovers on the side to larger groups with overlapping relationships. If anything characterises poly, says Elaine Cook, a psychiatrist who has a private practice in Marin county, California, it is a lack of rigid structure.

What evidence there is shows that poly couples stay together as long as monogamous ones 鈥� and, apparently, for good reasons. In a study published last December in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality (vol 8), Cook analysed the relationships of seven couples who had been married for more than 10 years, and who had had additional partners for at least seven of those years. She found that most of the couples reported 鈥渓ove鈥� or 鈥渃onnection鈥� as important reasons for staying together. This contrasts with monogamous couples, Cook notes, who often list external factors such as religion or family as major reasons for remaining committed.

That is telling. Cook speculates that polyamorists perceive themselves as having more choices, and therefore they only stay in marriages and relationships that make them happy. 鈥淭hey have other relationships that they are perhaps equally excited about being in, but they want to maintain this [marriage] relationship because it continues to satisfy them,鈥� she says.

For some, poly may be more realistic than monogamy. Having multiple partners frees people from the process of trying to find 鈥渢he one鈥� who is perfect for them in every way. In April, psychologist Rachel Robbins at the Mission Mental Health clinic in San Francisco conducted a survey of 250 polyamorous women. The number 1 reason they gave for being poly was 鈥渢o experience different activities and explore different parts of themselves with different people鈥�. Instead of asking one person to meet all their needs, polyamorists are content with several people who each meet a few.

Noemi鈥檚 housemates would drink to that. 鈥淚 have a lot of interests and passions in my life, and I can鈥檛 fulfil them all in my relationship,鈥� says Alicia. 鈥淚t was good to have my partner go off and date other people, because then I could pursue my outside interests too 鈥� and I didn鈥檛 feel scrutinised for wanting to do that.鈥� Noemi agrees: 鈥淚t makes me sad that so many people isolate themselves,鈥� she says. 鈥淚t鈥檚 good to have multiple people who love you, and it鈥檚 good to have freedom and downtime too.鈥�

All well and good, but what about the demands of juggling so many commitments at once? Surely it saps their time and energy. In a break during dinner, I ask how the family manages multiple relationships, particularly as most of them live under the same roof.

鈥淲e all have our own bedrooms, which is key,鈥� Noemi says. 鈥淎nd our bedrooms aren鈥檛 next to each other, so we have privacy,鈥� says Heather. 鈥淎lso, we have a nominal schedule where Jim sleeps with Noemi and me on an every-other-night basis, and I鈥檓 with Gordon on the weekends.鈥�

鈥淢y nights without Jim are great,鈥� Noemi says with a laugh. 鈥淚 get to hog the covers, and nobody snores.鈥�

Critics call poly self-indulgent and morally reprehensible. Yet it is hardly a sexual free-for-all. The freedom has limits 鈥� and managing emotions like jealousy becomes a central issue. 鈥淭hese are designer relationships,鈥� Cook says. 鈥淓very group decides for itself what鈥檚 open and what isn鈥檛.鈥�

Take Emma and Nate, a young married couple living in California鈥檚 Silicon Valley who describe themselves as 鈥渟table and well-settled鈥�. They met in college 11 years ago and have always had a polyamorous relationship. Emma has had a boyfriend for the past seven years, while Nate prefers to have short-term romances with friends. Some aspects of their relationship, however, are not open. 鈥淲e don鈥檛 do sleepovers with other people,鈥� Emma says.

鈥淚 like waking up next to her in the morning,鈥� Nate says. 鈥淭he only exception is if I鈥檓 out of town, in which case I don鈥檛 mind if she鈥檚 having a sleepover.鈥� Another rule they have established is letting each other know in advance about dates with other people. 鈥淚f either of us gets serious about someone else, we bring them home to meet the spouse,鈥� says Nate. 鈥淚n fact, that鈥檚 what we鈥檙e doing tomorrow 鈥� we鈥檙e having lunch with my new girlfriend and her husband.鈥�

Your cheating heart

Polyamorists come to it at different points in their lives and for different reasons. Emma says she had open relationships in high school, and many people I spoke with described discovering poly in their late teens or early twenties. Most, like Jim, tried monogamy. 鈥淢y first marriage was supposed to be monogamous, and I was,鈥� he recalls. 鈥淏ut she slept around in a cheating way. That killed the relationship.鈥�

So is poly more sustainable than monogamy? 鈥淚nfidelity in monogamous relationships is estimated at 60 to 70 per cent, so it seems that attraction to more than one person is normal. The question is how we deal with that,鈥� says Meg Barker, a professor of psychology at London South Bank University who presented her research into poly at the 2005 meeting of The British Psychological Society. 鈥淭he evidence is overwhelming that monogamy isn鈥檛 natural,鈥� says evolutionary biologist David Barash of the University of Washington, Seattle. 鈥淟ots of people believe that once they find 鈥榯he one鈥�, they鈥檒l never want anyone else. Then they鈥檙e blindsided by their own inclinations to desire other attractive individuals. So it鈥檚 useful to know that this behaviour is natural.鈥�

But as a mating strategy, poly may not be any better than monogamy; a person鈥檚 reproductive success may diminish if there is less pressure to be exclusive. 鈥淛ealousy is probably fitness enhancing,鈥� Barash says. A more jealous male is likely to stick closer to his mate and prevent her from getting impregnated by other males. 鈥淎 good look at human biology does not support polyamory any more than it supports monogamy,鈥� he says. Biologist Joan Roughgarden, at Stanford University in Palo Alto, California, goes further. 鈥淧olyamory won鈥檛 last. The likelihood of being able to successfully raise children in that context is very limited. My guess is that it鈥檚 not an evolutionary advance, but a liability.鈥�

鈥淵ou can鈥檛 optimise one kind of relationship to fit everyone. People can make sense of their worlds in many ways if monogamy is not the default鈥�

To others, however, biology is not the point. 鈥淚n middle-class urban cultures, people aren鈥檛 marrying for survival any more,鈥� says psychologist Dossie Easton, co-author of The Ethical Slut. 鈥淭hey can get divorced, and the kids won鈥檛 starve. This means we鈥檙e having marriages and relationships for very different reasons than our ancestors did. We鈥檙e doing it for emotional gratification.鈥� Easton sees poly as a break from the 鈥渟urvival strategy鈥� traditions that created both polygamy and monogamy. 鈥淧olyamory is a cultural outgrowth of serial monogamy, or having multiple partners without necessity,鈥� she says. 鈥淥nce you鈥檙e released from necessity, you can start doing all kinds of original thinking.鈥�

Barker concurs. 鈥淚t鈥檚 assumed that jealousy is a natural response,鈥� she says, 鈥渂ut some polyamorous people say they hardly feel it at all. I think this gives us insight into how people can make sense of their worlds in many ways if monogamy isn鈥檛 the default.鈥� She has found that when people leave traditional monogamy behind, they often rethink 鈥済ivens鈥� such as how to divide up the housework, money and childcare. Children of poly couples, for instance, tend to be raised by a small community instead of two parents.

Back in San Francisco, Heather鈥檚 family is clearing the table. As she replaces our plates with bowls of fruit compote, she says poly is a way of keeping her long-term partnerships alive. 鈥淲hen you think about it, what happened is that Jim and I didn鈥檛 get divorced when we got new partners. We鈥檙e still together and yet have more love from other people.鈥�

鈥淧olyamory is not for everybody,鈥� says Jim. 鈥淏ut it creates a range of options, which is important because you can鈥檛 optimise one kind of relationship to fit everyone.鈥�

鈥淭he important thing is that we trust each other,鈥� says Noemi, rubbing her pregnant belly with a smile. Although poly is still well out of the mainstream, it has become an attractive alternative to monogamy for some. Whether it is good for society remains an open question. For now, there鈥檚 a more pressing issue 鈥� is it good for you?