THE search for alternatives to fossil fuels continues apace. So delegates at Canadaās Gas & Oil Exposition 2007 in Calgary, Alberta, were thrilled at the prospect of a presentation from S. K. Wolff, speaking for the US National Petroleum Council ā which advises the Department of Energy on behalf of the oil industry ā and Florian Osenberg for ExxonMobil.
The delegates were, perhaps, a little disconcerted to hear Wolff declare that current US and Canadian energy policies ā including the exploitation of Albertaās billions of tonnes of oil sands ā are āincreasing the chances of huge global calamitiesā. However, many showed keen interest in his proposal that in āthe worst-case scenario, the oil industry could keep fuel flowingā. It could do this, he said, by transforming the millions of people who die each year into oil.
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āWeāre not talking about killing anyone,ā he added. āWeāre talking about using them after nature has done the hard work. After all, 150,000 people already die from climate-change-related effects every year.ā Thus the two unveiled their āVivoleumā technology, promising to turn these multitudes of sad events to good use.
They demonstrated the product by handing out candles, which they said were made from the remains of āan Exxon janitorā who had willed his body to the common good. At this point, as delegates held candles smelling of burnt hair and watched the opening frames of the janitorās last video testament, they started to harbour some uncomfortable suspicions.
The truth soon emerged. Wolff and Osenberg are āā, members of the group that in 1997 registered the website spoofing the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade, predecessor of the World Trade Organization. They told the press later that their real names are Andy Bichlbaum and Mike Bonanno and you can see photos and more at ā the site having been closed for alleged trademark violation.
Follow both instructions at onceā¦
MORE from the department of illogical instructions. As we suggested on 16 June, the instruction given to passengers at stations to āLet other people off the train firstā means that nobody can get off until someone breaks ranks and disobeys it. People wanting to board the train fare little better. John Allwright and Liz Joyce have both puzzled over the often-heard announcement āfor their safety passengers are requested to remain behind the yellow line at all timesā. The line in question runs the length of the platform about half a metre from the edge, so nobody can get onto the train unless they ignore the request.
Meanwhile, Mike Collins writes to tell us of his difficulty in obeying the pedestrian safety instruction āLook both waysā. He also tells us, following an excursion in the north of England, that at in Yorkshire there are two car parks some 400 metres apart at the end of a long approach lane to the visitor centre. Signs disconcertingly ask drivers who arrive at the abbey to āUse both car parksā.
Similar quantum logic applies in the case of Tony Langās laser pointer, which takes a single battery. The warning that comes with it states, āDo not mix old and new batteriesā, suggesting that the single battery is capable of being both old and new at the same time.
Lastly on this theme, Tom Trocco has seen a sign in the lavatory in the that states: āRestroom closes 15 minutes before closingā. Trocco says that he has seen people go in but never come out. He assumes they get stuck in a receding recursive loop that takes them in 15-minute increments back to the big bang.
CONSCIOUS as we are that our grasp of the Icelandic tongue amounts to very little, we feel it unfair to mock errors in translation from to English for their own sake. The same applies to any other language, unless the errors are in something like a product instruction or user manual where intelligibility is vital, in which case bad translation amounts to negligence by the manufacturer.
āClare Tolsonās daughterās new skipping rope bears the caution āKeep out of the reach of childrenā. Happily she is over 18ā
Nevertheless, we join with Margaret Magee in her puzzlement that on a recent trip to Iceland she noticed that the common translation of ātoasted bagelā was āroasted beagleā. This, apparently, was universal throughout the country and Magee could not help wondering how it had come about. Was there perhaps one rather bad translator who swept through the country getting it wrong at every restaurant they visited? Or did one restaurant start the whole thing, which everyone else then copied? Can anyone in Iceland shed some light on this?
Magee, who is from Ontario in Canada, is thinking of going back to Iceland ā and resisting the urge to take a picture of a roasting beagle to show Icelanders just what they are offering.
FINALLY, do the staff at the UKās harbour an unconscious belief that voting is futile? Veronica Beccabunga lives next door to one that during a recent election had a sign saying āPolling Stationā taped to a rubbish bin outside.
