麻豆传媒

Get 115 heads of state and government into one giant conference centre and they all need an equal share of the limelight. So, since Wednesday, they鈥檝e been taking turns at giving 5-minute speeches that are broadcast on screens dotted every few metres throughout the Bella Conference centre. Some are rousing, some dull, others stunning pieces of theatre, and many just plain entertaining. Here鈥檚 our pick.

First prize for unrealistic expectations goes to Mohd Najib Tun Abdul Razak, prime minister of Malaysia. His short presentation drew gasps of incredulity. He began by arguing that 鈥渄eveloped countries have to commit to cut their emissions by well over 100聽per cent鈥� by 2050. Yes, you read that right. No, he didn鈥檛 explain how. He also called on rich nations to offer $1.5聽trillion a year to the climate fund for developing nations 鈥� seven times the sum that is being offered.

Indonesia鈥檚 president Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono is steamed up because it was 鈥渙nce said to be the third largest emitter in the world. There is nothing to suggest that such claim is true today.鈥� There is, actually, Mr President. But never mind.

Burp and belch

Some leaders cannot resist using their precious minutes at the podium for oratorical fireworks. Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe deployed his unique mixture of antiquarian language about 鈥渄oubting Thomases鈥� and the like combined with ramping rhetoric. 鈥淲hen these capitalist gods of carbon burp and belch their dangerous emissions, it is we, the lesser mortals of the developing sphere who gasp, starve, sink and eventually die.鈥�

Iran鈥檚 president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad cut out the mealy-mouthed metaphors and went straight for the capitalist jugular: the US. 鈥淎lmost 40聽per cent of the total motor vehicles of the world are moving in this country, [fuelled] by occupying oil wells in other countries.鈥� He blamed climate change on 鈥渆goistic and megalomaniac beliefs鈥� and called for a return to 鈥渄ivine values鈥�.

Along the same vein, the prize for the most theatrical intervention goes to Venezuela鈥檚 Hugo Chavez whose 26-minute diatribe 鈥� 21 minutes over his allocated time 鈥� caused the transcribers such grief that they gave up entirely. 鈥淧eople haven鈥檛 been able to sleep, and we haven鈥檛 been able to have lunch either,鈥� he moaned, before the blaming a score of worldly ills on capitalism and quoting everyone from socialist philosopher and activist Rosa Luxemburg to Darwin and marine biologist Jacques-Yves Cousteau in support of his argument.

No sleep till Copenhagen

Brazil鈥檚 Luiz In谩cio da Silva was equally exasperated by the meeting鈥檚 pace, and wasted no time complaining about being kept in a room until 2聽am. 鈥淭o submit heads of state to the kinds of decisions we had last night 鈥� I have never seen such a meeting.鈥� Mind you, you couldn鈥檛 fault him for blaming the negotiation鈥檚 difficulties on the poor preparatory work done in advance of the summit.

The prize for the most disingenuous presentation ought to go to Canada鈥檚 premier, Stephen Harper. Host to the vast new development of high-carbon tar sands and with emissions that have soared since it signed the Kyoto protocol, Canada urged the world towards 鈥渓ow-carbon economic growth鈥�. Canada, he said, 鈥渋s ready to contribute its fair share鈥�. Not on current evidence it isn鈥檛.

The most cloying presentation of the week came from Kevin Rudd, the Australian prime minister. He opined that 鈥渢he time has come for a grand bargain between the past and the future鈥�, continued with verbiage about how 鈥渁t the dawn of this century, we are privileged to have been given by history this opportunity and this responsibility to write a different narrative of human cooperation鈥�, declared he feared the conference could become 鈥渁 triumph of form over substance鈥� before confiding how he had just received a letter from a 6-year-old girl who asked him how old he was and how he feared 鈥渨e are on the verge of letting little Gracie down鈥�.

Read more: 麻豆传媒鈥榮 full coverage of the latest Copenhagen and climate change news