麻豆传媒

Has your death affected your life?

HAS your death affected your life in any way? This odd question is asked on the medical site . Diana and Emily Lutz came across it when they were trying to find out whether bitter almonds really do contain cyanide. They went on to ask the site what you should do if you eat bitter almonds, which not entirely illogically brought them to the subject of death.

They were directed to a page entitled 鈥淧atient Profile Survey for Death鈥� at . This explains that it is 鈥渁 general survey about you, your success in finding relief from Death and what effect Death has had on your life鈥�.

After asking questions about age, gender, occupation and so on, the survey asks: 鈥淎bout your Death鈥� Do you have a family history of Death?鈥� with tick boxes for Yes, No and Don鈥檛 Know.

Then it asks: 鈥淎t what age did you first show symptoms of Death?鈥� This is followed by 鈥淗ow long after you noticed symptoms of Death were you officially diagnosed?鈥� and then 鈥淗ow long after you were diagnosed with Death did you have an effective treatment or cure?鈥�

There are many more questions in a similar vein, including one asking how much 鈥渕edical care and relief from Death鈥� has left you out of pocket.

What could lie behind this bizarre investigation? We don鈥檛 know for sure, but are confident that Diana and Emily are on the right lines when they note that the site 鈥渟eems to be largely computer generated鈥�.

Up to $240 or more

PROBABLY the ultimate example of the use of 鈥渦p to鈥� as a get-out clause in adverts (14 August) arrives from Alan Olson. He refers us to emails making claims such as 鈥淵ou can receive up to $240 or more every day鈥�.

A quick search for confirmation throws up asking 鈥淒o you want to save up to 75 per cent or more on airline tickets?鈥�. Meanwhile, quite coincidentally, an email arrives from Howard Smith alerting us to the site at , where currency trader Forex exhorts: 鈥淥pen an account today and receive up to $250 or more鈥�.

Alan says such statements are 鈥渂asically meaning-free鈥�. We agree. As Howard points out, they could cover absolutely any number at all, from a tiny fraction or less, to a billion billion or more 鈥� so they don鈥檛 tell us anything. Does this make you trust the good sense of companies that make such claims?

Breakthrough in paradoxical labelling

THE fluid-filled rubber ball Chris Goddard bought for his youngest at the Science Museum in London carried a label saying: 鈥淲arning! Not suitable for children under 3 years. Choking Hazard.鈥�

鈥淭he ball,鈥� Chris says, 鈥渋s slightly larger than a standard tennis ball. Preliminary testing suggested that the human adult male is incapable of opening his jaws wide enough to admit a ball of this diameter into the mouth, far less into the windpipe. The ball itself could therefore never conceivably form a choking hazard to an infant.鈥�

But there鈥檚 more. 鈥淭he warning itself,鈥� Chris continues, 鈥渋s printed on a small piece of robust polymer film that could quite easily be removed and choked upon by a small child.鈥� So it seems the museum鈥檚 marketing folk have produced a breakthrough in paradoxical labelling. 鈥淭he warning label is needed, but rendered necessary only by its own existence,鈥� Chris says.

Pointless IT instruction

A WARNING about 鈥渟uspicious emails鈥� was circulated recently round US Department of Energy laboratories, Jim Kornell tells us. The warning, itself an email, reported that the labs had been targeted by a series of emails with the subject line 鈥淪ettings for your mailbox are changed鈥�.

These emails, from 鈥渁n unknown sender鈥�, should be deleted, the warning says. 鈥淒o not open or forward them. Simply delete them!鈥�

Then, after repeating the message that 鈥渁ll customers are reminded to not open e-mails from unknown senders/sources鈥� it concludes: 鈥�**PLEASE PRINT AND POST THIS MESSAGE FOR YOUR CO-WORKERS WHO DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO E-MAIL**鈥�

Just what that is supposed to achieve, the message does not attempt to explain.

Relief for fire extinguisher disease

FINALLY, we reported two weeks ago on the gobbledegook churned out by an online translation system (16 October). Colin and Penny Gray send us a photo of another translation puzzle they saw on the wall in a Japanese hotel in Takayama.

It is a list of the benefits of the hotel鈥檚 hot springs. Among these, we are told, a dip in the water is good for 鈥減iles鈥�, 鈥渁rteriosclerosis鈥�, 鈥済imlet wound鈥�, 鈥渃onvalescence convalescence鈥� and 鈥渃hronic woman disease鈥�. It is also apparently just the thing for 鈥渃hronic fire extinguisher disease鈥�.

It鈥檚 this last one that has us really puzzled.

鈥淎ngela Kutchen sends us a scan of a pack of Johnson鈥檚 antiseptic powder warning that 鈥淐ontact with the eyes, brain, meninges and middle ear should be avoided鈥�