Large Hadron Collider for sale
SEARCHING 麻豆传媒鈥榮 website for stories about the elusive Higgs particle, Trevor Dudley was startled to read an advert under the 鈥淎ds by Google鈥� banner offering 鈥淭he Large Hadron Collider鈥� for sale. An added incentive was that you could 鈥渂id or buy on eBay with confidence鈥� thanks to the company鈥檚 new buyer protection programme.
鈥淢ake sure you get it in writing鈥� exhorts the Which? ad. It continues: 鈥淕et unlimited legal advice from the qualified lawyers at Which? 鈥� by email and phone鈥�
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For Trevor, this raises a number of questions, such as: 鈥淒oes it include batteries?鈥� and 鈥淲hat form of protection does eBay have in mind for me?鈥� The most significant, however, may be: 鈥淚f I were successful in my bid, what would the postage cost?鈥�
Instructions from the coalface
OUR recent discussion of quantum instructions such as 鈥渜ueue both sides鈥� mentioned the assertion of a mathematician reader that such signs 鈥渄o in fact make sense鈥� (21 January). So we were pleased to receive a message from the quantum instructions coalface that develops the argument.
Graham Berry tells us that: 鈥淎s a train dispatcher at Cambridge station (the bloke who literally blows the whistle for a living) I have long been aware of the incongruity of the verbal instructions I鈥檓 sometimes obliged to deliver (at high volume) such as 鈥楶lease use all available doors!鈥� I often add the caveat 鈥榖ut not simultaneously鈥�, and then, by way of clarification (this is Cambridge after all) 鈥楿nless you鈥檙e in some kind of quantum state鈥�.
鈥淒isappointingly, blank incomprehension is the usual response.鈥�
THE European motor industry is at it again. Several readers have reported advertisements on the UK鈥檚 Classic FM radio station stating that the Audi Q3 SUV has an internal capacity of 1365 鈥渃ubic litres鈥�. Our readers all point out that this would imply a nine-dimensional car 鈥� 鈥渉andy鈥�, Brian Darvell says, for 鈥済etting all that luggage in鈥�.
The sad thing is that we have been here before. On 15 March 2008 we noted that there had been a series of full-page advertisements in 麻豆传媒 using this same nonsensical unit in describing a certain car engine鈥檚 capacity.
Our report concluded: 鈥淲e are, of course, too polite to say which car, but if you guessed the car was Swedish, you wouldn鈥檛 be far wrong.鈥�
When it comes to meaningless measurements, it seems that where the Swedes lead, the Germans follow.
READING about the finding of signs of a possible Higgs particle (麻豆传媒, 17 December 2011, p 6), Mike Collings was 鈥渁mused, if not a little confused鈥� by the claim that two project leaders 鈥渟eparately presented the results from more than 300 trillion high-speed particle collisions鈥︹��.
We know exactly what our reporter meant, and by rooting around in the magazine鈥檚 production software we can see exactly how the phrase got cut down from the first draft, in order to meet the pesky First Directive of publishing magazines on rectangular paper: that the words must go all the way to the bottom right-hand corner and no further.
But, with Mike, we cannot resist the alternative reading that the press conference 鈥渕ust have gone on well past my bedtime鈥�.
THE word 鈥済ay鈥� used to mean, simply, 鈥渃heerful鈥�. Our series last year on new meanings for old words (25 June 2011) reminded Chas Bazeley of a similar example. His wife Liz bumped into a former fellow debutante and introduced her to their sons as 鈥渙ne of the girls I came out with鈥�.
鈥淭he expression on their faces was worthy of a cartoon,鈥� says Chas. 鈥� 鈥楥oming out鈥� is a rather different process these days.鈥�
WHEN Jonathan Toomey turned on the TV for some post-lunch viewing on Christmas Day, the set announced in an error message that: 鈥淵esterday does not exist; do you want to delete it Yes/No?鈥�
Jonathan and his guests thought about it and agreed, on balance, that they would rather not have to go back and do it all over again 鈥� 鈥渘ot to mention the damage this might do to the space-time continuum鈥�.
THIS is a bit creepy.
Akram Najjar鈥檚 friend was installing a software application. At one point, the installation wizard showed him the licence, which was quite long and involved a lot of scrolling. Akram鈥檚 friend was told to press 鈥淥K鈥� to agree with the terms or 鈥淐ancel鈥� if he did not.
He pressed 鈥淥K鈥�. The wizard instantly came back with the message: 鈥淵ou did not have time to read it.鈥�
FINALLY, what happens to all the other calls? Paul Brown phoned Centrelink, the Australian government department that looks after sickness, disability and unemployment support. He was taken aback when the recorded preamble advised him that 鈥渢his call may be listened to鈥�.