CONTRIBUTING to our catalogue of signs that didn鈥檛 end up meaning quite what was intended, Chris Robinson sends a photo of a highway exit near Melbourne, Australia. 鈥淏unurong Memorial Park鈥�, it advises: 鈥渢ake this exit鈥�. The is a cemetery.
The Elements, a book by Theodore Gray, boasts the subtitle A visual exploration of every known atom in the universe. The book is quite a bit shorter than Steve Wright expected
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HOLIDAYING in Granada, Spain, Neil Holmes took a lovely photo of an arch over a cobbled alleyway 鈥� next to which is a sign, in English, declaring a width restriction of 1.5 metres and that it is a 鈥減hysically impossible entry鈥�. Neil notes that 鈥渘o other street signs around there are in English鈥�. Are English-speakers presumed to have no idea what a metre is, or what?
And if such allowances have to be made, perhaps someone could explain in very simple English where the narrow bit lies 鈥� presumably beyond the arch, which is at least 3 metres wide.
VISITING Louisville, Kentucky, Muir Wasson spotted a sign under a bridge pier, reading 鈥淣o parking on wharf cars will be launched鈥�. 鈥淚t seems,鈥� Muir says, 鈥渢hat the US is more into amphibious cars than I thought.鈥� On the contrary, Feedback fears the sign is a threat, given the lack of amphibious vehicles in the US.
A CARD bearing the message 鈥淭o my husband on Valentine鈥檚 Day鈥� recently graced Terry Pinchin鈥檚 doormat. The back announced: 鈥淣ot suitable for children under 36 months鈥�. Though the little glittery bits might indeed make it unsuitable, Terry asks, 鈥淲here are these young husbands?鈥� Perhaps we鈥檇 rather not know.
LESS impressive was the email that Jon Musker received on 14 February at 23:33 鈥� promising 鈥淪ave 20% when you enter promo code 鈥業LOVEWK8鈥� at the checkout鈥� With its brand new interface, ability to share virtual machines, and remotely connect to VMware vSphere庐, you will fall in love鈥︹��
Readers with lives will need the explanation that VMware products allow you to create one or more virtual computers, each running as a program on a remote machine. Jon asks us to imagine him sitting at his desk with less than half an hour of Valentine鈥檚 Day to go. 鈥淭he local all-night garage is closed by now鈥� Yes, perfect! A copy of VMware鈥� Then she鈥檒l really understand how I feel about her.鈥�
Worse, the email states that the contents are 鈥渘ot to be shared with third parties鈥�, so Jon鈥檚 message was a figment of our imagination and you鈥檙e not reading this. OK?
PHILOSOPHERS will be mortified. 鈥淔REE WILL 鈥� worth up to 拢180鈥� says the sign in a shop window in Guildford High Street, Surrey, UK, spotted by Ralph Clague. Three thousand years of argument over the capacity of rational agents to make unforced choices, and the monetary valuation of the effort comes down to this?
On the other hand, at that price we鈥檒l take two free wills 鈥� one for use now, and one to make excuses with if the first gets it wrong.
Measuring moisture on bank鈥檚 door
BANKS are under orders to tighten their accounting, but we fear HSBC may be paying too much attention to the small things rather than the gigapounds. Andrew Beggs wanted to know the distance from his home to the bank鈥檚 nearest branch. He consulted the bank鈥檚 , which came up with the answer 0.9904670356841079 miles (1.5940021810076005 kilometres). This is supposedly accurate to around 10-13 metres, much less than the radius of a hydrogen atom. Moisture condensing on the branch鈥檚 door would bring it several significant digits closer.
Feedback notes that the website designers have heard of rounding numbers off, but haven鈥檛 quite got the hang of it: the closest branch to our home is just over a mile away, but appears in the branch list as being 2 miles distant.
HOW do they do that, then? Dave Willis sends a scan of the label on a bottle of San Benedetto mineral water, proudly declaring on one side that it contains 0 milligrams of sodium per 250 millilitres 鈥� and on the other that it contains 5.8 mg of sodium per litre. Feedback has skimmed the European Union directive on the exploitation and marketing of natural mineral waters () and we find no reference to massive rounding down, nor to non-standard systems of arithmetic associated with spring water. Can anyone help?
Tubs of olive with zero ingredients
FINALLY, the Turkish supermarket that David Flint uses in north London has solved the problem of irksome product-labelling regulations, and may have a clue to maintaining economic growth in a time of resource scarcity. It stocks a huge range of olives, each tub of which has a descriptive label finishing with the words 鈥淚ngredients: None鈥�.