A quacking idea
LONG-TIME readers will recall the continuing adventures of Phillip Claphamās dog, a canine researcher with an enviable publication record (15 June 2013). After becoming fed up with invitations to speak at dubious pay-to-attend conferences of no relevance to his work, Phillip began returning applications in his terrierās name, on topics such as the potential to power city grids with giant hamsters running in wheels.
Credited as Alice N. WĆ¼nderlandt, (a graduate of Lutenblag State University with a dissertation entitled āLocomotor energetics of Sciurus carolinensis in flight: strategies for pursuitā), his dogās most recent effort is titled āLow-cost physical oceanographic profiling using a recyclable fuliguline sampling systemā. Remarking that the use of expendable bathythermographs contributes to ocean pollution, WĆ¼nderlandt proposes a reusable system based on sea ducks trained to dive to appropriate depths to collect readings.
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āJames Parsons spots a universal smoking ban in Birmingham, where someone has posted a sign outside a hotel declaring āNo smoking within 15 feet of anywhereāā
āIn the event of terminal fuliguline failure,ā it adds, āthe depth-deceased isā¦ recovered using a patented Canine Retrieval Systemā¢. Unserviceable units can then be processed in a standard convection oven at 230Ā°C (450Ā°F) and internally recycled with a sauce Ć” lāorange.ā
Enter the Matrix
WHO reads the terms and conditions these days? Maybe not even those publishing them. How else to explain that passengers on the UKās Greater Anglia trains who wish to use the on-board Wi-Fi must agree to a service that is āblack garage stellar hacker courier assassin hotdog mimetic polycarbon suitsā, and that conduct online will be ārifle face forwards augmented reality katana advert corporation footage refrigerator tattoo icebreakerā.
āSure, I want an augmented reality katana ā who doesnāt?ā says Lex Lang. āBut I donāt know how to use one well enough to provide footage of me using it to tattoo a fridge.ā
It seems somebody at Greater Anglia is a fan of science fiction author William Gibson ā or at least the āLorem Gibsonā by David Weaver, which produces cyberpunk-themed filler text on demand, distilled from the authorās works. Much quicker and more interesting than penning reams of legal jargon, and the result is no less intelligible.
Wide of the mark
BY NOW, we suspect British astronaut Tim Peake may have clocked up more miles in his relentless press tour than he did during his six months in orbit. Yet thereās always room for a novel question.
On ITVās This Morning, host Amanda Holden threw the major a curveball by asking if, following his stay on board the International Space Station, he would be taking a piece of the moon home with him.
Priorities straight
IN LOCAL news: Stephen Etzel forwards a headline from the Hartford Courant. āConnecticut Childrenās Hospital Welcomes New President,ā it announces. āGil Peri Stresses Focus on Kids.ā
āIām certainly glad they hired the right guy,ā says Stephen.
Going by the book
HOT on the heels of that unwelcome US import David āAvocadoā Wolfe (14 October), Feedback discovers more windblown seeds arriving on our shore. Ken Ham and his merry band of creationists are due to speak at the UK Creation Mega Conference 2017.
The event brings young Earth talent to the heart of the UK ā specifically, the Bethel convention centre in West Bromwich, located between Bromford Lane Allotments and the Kelvin Way industrial estate.
Speakers include Nathaniel T. Jeanson, author of Replacing Darwin: The New Origin of Species, the existence of which is, we suspect, the only reason thereās any doubt in the recent Telegraph headline, āIs AN Wilsonās biography the worst book about Darwin ever written?ā
Topics tabled for discussion include āGeological Evidence for a Young Earthā, āBig problems with the Big Bangā, and the question on all our lips, āWhy Build an Evangelistic Life-Size Ark?ā. Feedbackās attention is drawn to Voddie Baucham Jrās presentation on āThe Global War on Manhood and Marriageā, which seems rather off-topic. Perhaps he thinks this is an audience receptive to far-fetched world views with little basis in reality?
Cereal number
: if Protestant-themed breakfast cereal makers Quaker Oats reduce the sugar content of their Apples and Cinnamon instant oatmeal mix from 12 grams per sachet to 6g, what size reduction does that make?
If you said 50 per cent, weāre afraid youāre out of luck: Quaker advertises their reduced sugar variety as having 35 per cent less sugar. However, this is not a misprint but a lesson in the fine art of absolute and relative differences. Sachets of reduced sugar oatmeal weigh in at 31g, whereas regular packs are 43g. (Pedants will have spotted this equates to a 31 per cent reduction in sugar, but weāll assume a rounding error is in play).
Yes, the packs not only boast reduced sugar, but reduced everything. Itās certainly one way to cut calories, and a reminder that nutritional claims, like porridge, are best served with a pinch of salt.
