“Increased assertiveness can ease anxiety and depression…” Johnny Greigpaper/Getty Images
“I often feel like I’m invisible,” a Dear David reader complains. “My colleagues don’t listen to my ideas and my friends take me for granted, but I’m afraid that if I express my frustration, it will only lead to conflict. What can I do to earn more respect?”
This letter got me thinking about the value of assertiveness, which is the capacity to express our feelings and needs directly, while maintaining respect for others. The latter part is crucial, as assertiveness cannot be an excuse for aggression. The problem is that many people, like our reader, veer too far in the opposite direction: they are so worried about seeming rude that they fail to say what they mean. One common sign is that you find yourself apologising for simply stating your opinion.
Assertiveness is considered an important leadership skill, but psychological research suggests it is also a . That makes sense: frank conversations can remove serious stresses from our lives, lift us out of a hopeless state and enhance our social relationships. For this reason, assertiveness training was once a popular treatment for many mental health conditions, but interest waned in the 1980s, 1990s and 2000s as other forms of talking therapy became more fashionable.
A in 2018 attempted to reverse this, and assertiveness training is again the . Such studies have confirmed that increased assertiveness can ease anxiety and depression and improve overall well-being. It is also and, in schools, may prevent bullying.
Assertiveness training typically involves a series of modules that aim to identify the unhelpful thoughts and beliefs that can prevent us from speaking frankly, such as “If I assert myself, I will upset the other person and ruin our relationship” or “It will all work out in the end and, anyway, it’s not my fault” – a common excuse for not taking action.
Participants may be asked to keep diaries tracking their behaviour to help them come up with new ways of handling difficult interactions. The training may also include sessions on how to phrase assertive statements, including a recognition of the other person’s feelings alongside their own, such as “I know you’re busy at the moment, but I’d like to make a request of you”. Further modules may examine techniques for coping with disappointment or criticism, or for accepting compliments without downplaying achievements.
Assertiveness training can be provided in person, as part of cognitive behavioural therapy, but the latest research suggests may provide many of the same benefits. The time that you invest in developing such an essential life skill may pay dividends for years to come.
These articles are posted each week at
Topics:
